The Ties that bind us in Recovery…?  What are they?  Are they just that we identify with Drugs, Alc0hol?  Or does it even go to a deeper level than that?  It could be emotional, spiritual, depression and it could be more than one.  We have a common bond that ties each and everyone of us to each other.  Those ties, even though we ourselves may try to break them (talking about me here) we keep on doing what we have been doing?  Why?  Cause it is working.  Just really slow this time.

I should be creaming my jeans cause of the sobriety that we’ve obtained thus far instead of always saying BIG DEAL Cause truly if I wasn’t sober today, I sure in the heck wouldn’t be making a effort to try and give back somehow as to what has been given so freely by others without any kind of expectations.

I have been pretty much in my Opinion not working a very solid program to say the least.  Matter of fact, not much at all like I used too and for this guy he really needs to change a few things around.  I kinda got a pretty good message out of the meeting that I attended to today, it was about Forgiveness.  I started it right off, Because it has been so hard to really forgive myself for so many things, but what kicks my ass the most is when I threw away almost 2 1/2 years clean for my whole life to go down the shitter again and again and again.  They mention the yets yeah..but them damn agains are a killer.

So today the meeting when I said it is so damn hard to forgive myself and some of the things that happened the last time I was out there.  I just don’t know sometimes why we are so damn hard on ourselves.   A Guy was talking and I said hey You Are Human!  And see I can sit here and tell people how it is but do I follow my own words of advice?  No…

So something has to change.  And I am guessing it is going to have to be the way I start working our Program.  I think I have been missing it cause I confided so much in my Sister and Bernie and they both left and died last year, and I forgot about my first and truly my one and only closed mouth one Sam so maybe I better give him a gingle.

Thanks for allowing me to share.

I feel so much hopeless, alone, withdrawn,  I just wake up this morning realizing what I did yesterday with the sites.  Regret what I did but really have no strive to try to keep much going.  I’m clean does that count for anything really?  No…

Being clean isn’t our problem it is us and our attitudes in life and mine just isn’t there.  I’ve tried to act my way into a new way of thinking, I’ve tried to be a person that is good, but it just has never really happened.  Sometimes I think the best thing to do is nothing at times.

We shouldn’t have to spend our life alone, yet that is what many of us do unless we are fortunant to have someone in our lives.  Yes I have Chance but at times that doesn’t replace what we really need that human contact.  How do you get that?  How do you get to a place where you can accept yourself just the way that you are, and maybe find someone to be with not only in mind but in spirit.

They say that we are complete mental defects well I can find that true within myself.  How every true it is for me to be the person with these defects that so shine so bright, it is a wonder that really no one would want to be around me everyday.  I know it is even hard for me to be able to live within my own skin.  Should I redo the sites?  If so why?  I would be the only one that is posting just like I am here.

Humans and society are not people that are very forgiving when you have done wrong.   And it is a wonder why we can even come out of our skeletons when we feel as if no one is listening or has time for us.  We than become hopeless and our chances of change is very little at all.  See the hopeless than turns into shame.

Shame meaning that you believe that this was the purpose of your life.  And yeah I am sure that my purpose in life was to be a warning of others of what not to do.  So I hope I didn’t ramble too much but I have no where to go besides here.

Even though it is Six Months since I’ve had any sauce, in which I am truly Grateful I think.  See I am really confused anymore.  I am not really sure why I am even doing what I am doing.  I think so much about the ways to escape from the shit that goes through my head and I really don’t care about the medications because the medications are not and never will be a fixed solution.  Although I believe they have kept me form clicking the delete domain button at Godaddy but other than that, I sometimes find myself in such a funk it is hard to get out of.

Today I’ve actually been going to other boards, searching for someone or something to catch my eye and seeing if there is anything at all that I could offer someone.  Heck I am thinking about registering at another board that basically deals with mental issues, bi-polar, etc.  I was thinking maybe I need some of the feed back there as well.  I need feedback, how can I grow without it, and that is why I started to open myself up on other sites, but it is hard to open up when it seems as if you don’t exist.  I am not being or playing a pitty  party here but when someone ask something for help and they know they have the knowledge but don’t get back to you until after a post well WTF do you think that is all about.  Maybe he was getting a rub down or something I don’t know.  So what do we do.

I once looked at the rains as a beautiful thing, well I suppose we can’t always have them high up days ehhh.  That’s OK I won’t go down and drink over it.  I will probably delete a site and start it all over again, I guess I decided I wasn’t happy with it again.

At least I am pretty darn sure that September 8, 2009 was the last drop of alcohol and or meth and I am pretty damn happy about that this morning and I am also glad that I have figured out a few other things.

I didn’t sleep very well at all last night.  Matter of fact I’ve been up since somewhere around 2 and 3 am.  I already did all my posting or most of them in the meditations last night, but see I didn’t take my serequel and that is why I didn’t sleep that good.  I am a little tired but nothing of much extreme.

I got something figured out that I’ve been wanting for such a long time and now since I’ve been playing around here with the pluggins that wordpress has they have so much you can literally do anything with them.  What I am liking the best is that the download of mps that I am using on the sites, music, speakers whatever they embed right into the MyBB forums of our sites.  Now that will be cool.  I am getting ready to start a new Big Book Study with Joe and Charlie on the More To Reveal Site in the Forums area anyways I think I worked on that site almost all day yesterday and I think it should be OK now let’s just pray it is.

So what a wonderful way to start out at a Six Month Anniversary  today!

Sometimes

Sometimes You Wonder What Life Is All About

Sometimes you would just assume just jump up and shout

Sometimes you would like to just give up

Than there are the times that you would just throw up

Sometimes there are times when you throw up you hands

Than there are times when you find yourself picking up a can

Sometimes you wish that this life was done

Than there are times that you just want to run

Sometimes It doesn’t matter to others what you say

Than there are times they won’t even say hey

Sometimes you would like to just erase it all

Than there are times you might as well go get a ball!

written by me BTW

I made this post yesterday, really pertaining to how I am a Retread and nothing more.  I am no webmaster, I am not probably even qualified to be a admin that is just my own opinon.

I just got so tired sometimes of all of the str ah shit fuckit